26 August 2020

Growing apart towards each other

Beschikbaar in Nederlands 

What can happen when you change your life for real. It is beautiful and impressive. Please feel free to read about my personal experience. 

An uncertain future

Szilvia and I started to realize our dreams together in 2017. A Tinder encounter with an uncertain future. A new place, a new country, a new direction to discover for ourselves and for each other. Our individual and common aspirations.

Szil's aspirations

Szilvia came to Malta because she no longer felt well in Hungary. Szil's aspirations were to set up a coaching company and build a network around it. She also had aspirations to start a Bed and Breakfast to generate income and use the accommodations for her coaching clients.

Furthermore, Szil wanted to travel and be in different countries during certain periods.

My aspirations

I came to Malta to dismantle myself from obligations. My aspirations were to do less, enjoy independence more. Peace and quiet. Don't have to, just want to.

I had no concrete ideas about what I wanted to do yet. That only gradually took shape. I wanted to write, compose music, take pictures. I also wanted to meet people and have interesting conversations with them.

I wanted a safe income in any case, so I joined Szil's idea of Bed and Breakfast.

Warm Home Malta

Our Bed and Breakfast adventure

So in 2017 we started our Bed and Breakfast adventure at the same time and called our new company Warm Home Malta. We wanted to provide a pleasant stay for our guests. A warm welcome and a warm stay.

Together we built up our company in approximately one year. A lot of work, but we were both enthusiastic and enjoyed working on it.

To expand

Already in the course of the second year (2018), Szil thought about expanding the number of accommodations. In 2019 she started adding new accommodations. I actually didn't want that. After all, I had come to Malta to work less and ultimately no longer work at all. My idea was therefore more to keep it small-scale. One or two apartments for rent and a private place to live. That way there was little work and we didn't have to find a paid job to make ends meet. In the beginning our ideas matched, but then things started to squeeze.

Because believe me, running a Bed and Breakfast is labor intensive anyway and increases exponentially when accommodations are added.

Early retirement

We had to decide how to proceed. Ultimately, the decisive factor was that I had the option to opt for early retirement. That way I could get out of Warm Home Malta and Szil could continue with the expansions she wanted.

New situation

In this way a new situation arose. Szil started working more and I started working less. Szil was able to live on the income from Warm Home Malta and I was able to live on my early retirement.

In the new situation I kept myself available as a consultant and for some help with small maintenance. I still do this and want to continue to do so.

Different perspectives

Because of this change, Szil and I suddenly had different perspectives.

For Szil

She spent a lot of time expanding Warm Home Malta. For Szil, it meant that practically all of her energy went into it. Partly because of this, there was hardly any time left for her to work on her coaching dream.

Her first year running Warm Home Malta alone (2019) was successful. In her second year (2020) came Corona. This was and is a loss. All tourism came to a halt.

This had the following mutually resulting consequences:

  • Most of the accommodations were rented out for a longer term to expats and others living in Malta for a longer term. In this way the damage could be limited.
  • As it was still unknown what the consequences of Corona would be next year, the question arose whether Szil wanted to continue with Warm Home Malta in 2021 and if so, how. Maybe in a slimmed-down form? Would tourism be back as before? We thought that the second year would be bad again.
  • As her accommodations were now largely long-term let, she spent much less time running Warm Home Malta and thus had much more time to work on her coaching dream. That dream is unfolding right now and is really very hopeful.
  • If income comes from the coaching dream, there is for one way less reason to continue with Warm Home Malta and on the other hand less time to do so.

For me

Because I was no longer involved with Warm Home Malta, I suddenly had a lot more time. Sometimes ten more hours a day. I didn't know what to do with all that extra time. I actually wanted to write about my past, my plans. I wanted to meet people and experience beautiful moments with them. Elaborate deep conversations and interesting encounters in columns, stories, poetry and publish them in a personal blog. A fantastic perspective, but it took a lot of effort to start it.

When I finally, after several months of doing nothing, took the plunge and started creating a personal blog, that blog was hacked after about 3 months and everything was gone. That didn't really help in realizing my already so laborious project.

In the end I started all over again and finally got up to speed with creating my personal blog, which you are now reading.

I have now also realized that although I want to keep Malta as my home base, I do not want to be there forever. I need more space. I want to be by the sea, but I am aware that I miss the mountains, the forests and the lakes. Finding a place in a country that can facilitate that combination is my challenge for my future.

Not current yet, but I know it will come.

Consequences for our future

Due to our different perspectives, there are two consequences for our future that we will have to deal with in the long term.

To travel

Because the success of Szil's coaching aspirations is plausible and partly because this may result in Warm Home Malta becoming smaller, or even being discontinued in the long term, there is room in Szil to find more concrete interpretation of the way in which she wants to experience her travel aspirations. She wants to be at different locations during different periods in a given year. Maybe even in four different locations. Which means traveling every time.

Through my perspective I have discovered that I no longer like to travel. I am very happy with a permanent place to live. Everything arranged in one fixed place. Finally a place where I can be and where I can do what I'm doing now. Not having to leave. Just be there!

I can imagine going to another place in the world once a year for a period of two or three months. Another permanent place, where the things I need are present and where important formalities are all arranged.


Due to our different travel aspirations, the situation will arise in which we are / live for a period at different addresses and even in different countries. This has consequences for our housing costs, which we now share and would otherwise bear alone. With my mini, minimum income in combination with the hefty rental prices of Malta, this can lead to the situation that there is no affordable accommodation with sufficient privacy in Malta for me.

Our common aspirations

I feel love and doubt. I feel proximity and distance. I see opportunities and risks. All conceivable contradictions can exist as far as I am concerned.

We envision a future. For ourselves and for us together. Our personal aspirations are growing apart. What we have in common strengthens our personal aspirations.

What we have in common.

  • We have a similar childhood. Not literally, of course, but comparable in terms of content and emotion. We were on our own and we got out of every conceivable situation without too much damage. We learned a treasure through our struggle against wanting and being allowed to be different.
  • We motivate each other in achieving our dreams.
  • We both have the same specific wishes to experience ourselves in a relationship and those wishes differ from how traditional relationships manifest themselves.
  • We strengthen each other in developing some of our personal qualities.
  • We have a lot of power to exchange from life experience and can quickly analyze situations of individuals or groups and attach advice to them. However, I do not elevate those analyzes to truth, but to an opinion. The accompanying advice are personal interpretations that I do not experience as the truth.

What we have in common is becoming increasingly important. We build our personal aspirations with the support of the strength we derived from what each of us lived through as we grew into adulthood.

So despite diverging perspectives, desires and interests, Szil and I remain able to stay together and grow together with and towards each other, now and in the future.

The title of this column: “Growing apart towards each other” was the first thing I wrote down when I started this column. I wasn't quite sure why that title came to my mind. It was only when the last chapter of this column: “Our common aspirations” was finished, that I understood the meaning of the title of this column: “Growing apart towards each other”.

I believe it is love.



© TrefMij August 2020

1 comment:

  1. Thanks my Darling. It was nice to read about ours in a nutshell. :) And I am curious how it goes. Sure we will deal with it. <3


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