Enwrap
From an
early age we have been confronted with a phenomenon that I call “Enwrape”. A
child is born with an uninhibited freedom. Free of inhibitions and it does not
make any trade-offs yet. That open-mindedness is gradually lost.
An
insidious process that unfortunately many of us often unconsciously go through
in their adolescence and even in their later life. The estrangement from our
uninhibited freedom.
At least I
did!
The ordinary people
As a child
we slowly but surely become part of the ordinary people and only gradually or
not at all get around to finding and developing our talents and qualities. Why
is this?
We adapt to
standard life. We are brought up with that idea. Just do normal, that is crazy enough.
Behave yourself. Adapt. Don't be silly. Be normal for a while. Don’t do that in
that way. We are also told that with some jobs you can never make ends meet. It
is better to study law than to go to the conservatory. There is no time to develop
your sports talent, because you have to go to school. You have to do your best
to get a good job. And so on.
The ordinary
people becomes more and more convined. It seems as if we are less and less free
to manifest ourselves as a unique individual. We expect from each other to act
normally and that normal will become worse.
Fortunately,
however, there often comes a moment somewhere in our lives when we start to realize
that we are alienated from our original self. A slow process then begins in
which we want to know who we are and what makes us unique.
Caught in standards
Less and
less space for colors and differences. We must not be different, in other words
we must be as alike as possible. It starts in education and we often keep on
acting in that way as adults.
My upbringing
There was
so much that I had to do during my upbringing and so many other things that I
really wanted, but that I was thwarted about. I wanted things that went against
current standards. My upbringing meant that I had to learn to live a good life
so that the neighborhood could not be faulted. I had to learn and perform well.
Do what others expected.
I wasn't
like that and still am not. I don't live an artificial life. Still I did. It
started in my youth and continued for decades. That was a struggle. Regular
disputes, in the family, at school, with neighbors, and so on. And never
winners.
My parents
and the schools have tried a lot to get and keep me in line, without a doubt
with the best of intentions. But also without a doubt, without success. I
wanted to do my own things so badly but had to fulfill so much that others
wanted and expected of me. I isolated myself more and more because of that. I
kept my distance from the others. I went my own way.
I was too
young to understand then, but now I understand that I actually surrendered more
and more. It was not possible to fight against so many things at once.
I no longer
blame anyone. Maybe a little to myself.
Concession
Like
everyone else, I wanted attention and to be understood. I wanted to be
appreciated and therefore made concessions about what I wanted and what I
thought about certain things. These concessions made my life with the others
easier, but that is precisely why they also tempted me to make concessions more
often. That has been an insidious process, I see retrospectively.
Slowly but
surely I got bogged down in a graying mouse. But a gray mouse with chameleon
behavior. Sometimes I was gray, sometimes completely red or blue and at other
times a mouse with all colored spots. No one could follow that anymore and I
became more and more isolated.
Once grown
up, I was able to get out of that isolation by putting on a gray coat over my
now fading colors. That gray coat was my personal wrap. I could then put on and
take off that coat at the right moments. The colors under the gray coat faded
further and further. Sometimes I tried to put on two coats. I let myself be
wrapped up more and more.
Examples
Let me give
a few examples of situations from my childhood that made my colors fade and
caused me to get increasingly wrapped in. It took more and more energy to fight
for what I actually wanted.
To school
I didn't
want to go to school, but I had to. Yes I know, there is the compulsory
education law. It also seems necessary to me that we learn a number of basic
skills, but it is poignant that there is no obligation to give children space
and time to discover and develop their unique talents and qualities. Or in
other words that they can do what they want to do, because what you are good
at, you enjoy doing. I like to call it tailor-made education, so it focuses on
each individual child.
I had to
learn how to calculate. Well why not, but when I found out about thirty years
later that I have severe dyscalculia, I understand why I ended up throwing a
flowerpot with a plant in it at the master when he accused me of having to pay
more attention, while I just tried my very best to understand the numbers, but
indeed I didn't understand anything. The numbers turned or I didn't see them
and couldn't know that was not normal.
Because I
could not learn and because I threw flower pots to the teacher, I was transferred
to a special school (for children with Learning and Parenting difficulties).
There I had to continue in the same way, only slower.
Nice such a
label, while you do your best. A new dent in my strong ego. A color fade again.
Not a real success
To apologize
One day in
my teens, someone called on our door. There was a lady who I knew. She came to
complain because a ball had gone through a window in her shed.
The lady
told my mother that she had seen me at her house. Well that could be true. I
had indeed cycled past the shed that afternoon and confirmed that. Because I
did not like to play football at all, I also told that I had not played
football there.
Nobody
believed me and my mother told the lady she would come back to it. She wanted
to discuss it with my father. That night I was cross-examined, and the outcome
could only be that I had to apologize to that lady.
I did not
want to accept that and I refused. I ended up being taken to the house with the
broken barn window almost literally by my ear. There at the door I just said
that I had not played football there, but had cycled past. So exactly as it
went.
I have
known the consequences. Another faded tan and a broken confidence.
Playing the guitar
I started
playing the guitar when I was twelve. Hours per day. I put in every minute.
Sometimes I studied 12 hours a day. But I was thwarted because my parents felt
that I would not get enough sleep and that I would not be fit enough for
school. Still, I persisted. Learned many beautiful and difficult parts. “She”
still sits on your lap now and then.
Maybe I
could have been encouraged to develop the talent? Anyway, missed opportunity.
Gymnastics
In my youth
I played gymnastics for a long time and apparently there was a talent in me,
because I was eventually asked by the gymnastics school if I wanted to train
for the Dutch championships.
My parents
didn't think it was a good idea, because I already had such difficulties at
school and in education. Another missed opportunity.
And so on
There are
so many examples. I can make it into a catalog. But every example is then more
of the same. This kind of thing made me more and more wrapped up in
limitations.
There were
more and more rules and less and less free choices. Rules imposed by others
from a belief or from a persuasion, rules at school, rules at work, etc. Rules
of conduct, custom rules. And by far the most dangerous rules are those that we
impose on ourselves over time. When we change our behavior because of
expectations others have of us.
Together we
create “The normal” that you better stick to, because otherwise you will be
addressed or rejected by the group. And in this way we become more and more
alienated from our original and unique self. The result is a loss of freedom,
open-mindedness and thus a loss of creativity and inspiration.
Develop
In my youth
I was not given enough space to find my talents. As a result, it took me many
years into my adulthood to unwrap my wraps, then rediscover and develop my
talents. To go on with developing myself.
I am convinced
that I am not the only one with whom this happened. I meet people with a
similar stories. It is such a waste of time and a lot of talent is lost.
Children are colorful
I therefore
argue for unlimited development space for children. Children are colorful and
they should be given opportunities. Discover where their talents lie and where
they can develop. Prevent them from wrapping up in childhood and eventually
putting on that gray coat of mine.
They are
the hope for the future. The upcoming performers, artists, writers and poets.
Creative, controversial, recalcitrant, just different and yet very normal. We
need these people to make the world a better place
Unwrapping ourselves
And us
adults? Wouldn't we rather untwist all our own wraps and find our freedom and
vulnerability as we had it as a child?
Get rid of
those wrappers from the past. No more accepting new wraps. We can still feel
free to be unique. Who cares if others disagree with you or think you are
weird?
My personal gray coat
I have now
changed course. It had been coming for years, but I didn't know what it was all
about yet. Here in Malta I took off my personal gray coat forever and threw it
away. Not that all my colors are back now, but I am no longer afraid to show my
strengths and weaknesses.
And my
painter's palette is richly filled and I mix the most beautiful colors and want
the brightness of all colors completely back. Those colors that faded in my
youth.
I felt like
the black sheep, but I was actually the colored sheep. I was taught that being
a fur sheep would not work in my favor. What a huge misunderstanding! It can
now be so evident that it was and still is one of my core qualities.
Now I don't
compromise anymore. I am real and original. You can find anything about me, say
anything about me, or write anything about me. I think it would be best if you
at least tell me what you think of me. Then we start an interesting
conversation.
It took me
time, a lot of time, but I am still young and vital and I probably have another
thirty years to manifest myself colorfully. So pay attention, you will hear
from me again.
© TrefMij August 2020
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